Da Capo al Fine, my life again

Last Night seemed like a Dream

2012-01-25T09:50:00.002+08:00

Four hours doing retarded actions in front of the webcam haha! :)

CNY atmosphere

2012-01-23T18:55:00.000+08:00

Discussion:

crude language mixed with blardy intelligent arguments
-President Scholar / Policewoman Cousin
the truth of the matter is... the fact of the matter is...
-Cousin's idkhowbutveryeducated Husband
i think the solution to this problem is
-Engineer Father (spoken like a true engineer)
typing this right now
-Genius ninja analytical me

Choices

2012-01-11T21:55:00.000+08:00

1st - 12th
33S Victoria
32S Temasek
27S National
30S St Andrew
36S Meridian
29S Serangoon
31S Tampines
28S Raffles
24S Hwa Chong
22S ACS
21S Anderson
26S Nanyang

2012-01-10T23:38:00.004+08:00

The world is really big, and it operates by harsh common sense. After working, going to korea, I've learnt that.

That's why nowadays I don't feel jumbled up by anything anymore, because it's as if my horizons have opened up. But while knowledge is there, wisdom isn't necessarily there. So without it, I find myself slightly irritated by excessive dramatizing of this process of going to jc. It's gonna be a big change, but 何必 get ourselves too emotional about it? Naturally doing it is ok, but often I feel it's like people subconsciously feel that they need to do so. And it's just gonna influence our decisions, and might even make us lose sight of our goals. I worry much about getting into the jc I want, but I won't like myself feeling that it's a drastic turn in my life. Either I've grown to see such stressful things as easier to cope, or i'm simply distancing myself from disappointment. But these are my surface feelings which I keep feeling and I have blogged them.

One of these rare times when I throw away consideration if I'm offending anyone. Slowly, that consideration seems to be replaced by a spiteful voice saying 'people who get offended grow up, it's like that in the outside world'.

Compassion, and wisdom. I'm glad God leaves me this awareness that we need them, or we'd all turn into hard-hearted people, thinking everything in that paragraph above, because of the harshness of independent life

Whoa, looks like I'm quite mixed up too.

2011-12-19T13:19:00.001+08:00

To-do list:

Pray and listen to songs, to come up with a song list for my worship.
Organize the musicians and arrange a practice date.
Continue to manage the other bands.
Practise Joy to the World piano accompaniment with Eddie's comments.
Inform Anthony when I'm quitting work
Compose song for Jie Qi's birthday present.

2011-12-13T15:40:00.002+08:00

It's been a frustrating half-day. It started when last night I messaged my boss and asked him to drop a reply to me or rongwei when he was free to inform us about today's plans. When I woke up, there was no reply so I decided, heck with the last minutes, today I'm not gonna be available if they suddenly call me.

I had some stuff planned, but that got cancelled. At about 1pm today ginie called and asked if I could get rongwei to come tonight cause she couldn't make it, and I could come if I could as well. We couldn't get through to rongwei, and I had a rather long talk with my mum about what I should do. Because I felt pretty indignant about all these last minutes and uncertainty about the job. The talk got quite upsetting for me but in the end, I decided I would make myself available if they needed me, but what would come first was what was more important to me. Which meant that no work tonight. Only my mum knew how screwed up I felt.

That would be the end of it, but I knew it wasn't. The other plan's kind of an off mood now and I don't know what to do. Some days things come at you repeatedly like you've not had enough. Ginie called and told me yiliang cmi so I told her I would go but at 7+. All the travelling is like nothing to me. I'm gonna leave house soon to the city, then come back to pasir ris, then go to dhoby gaut for work until 11, then come home. That's time wasted, but would I rather see more time fly by without anything done? At home?

The good thing so far is that rong wei just called back and agreed to come tonight. So it's just as my mum said, that both rongwei and I go and be responsible to the restaurant. I just know that there are plenty of other chances to be 'responsible'. Let's simply hope everything works out fine this evening and the rest of tonight.

2011-12-01T14:04:00.001+08:00

陪我

2011-12-01T13:01:00.000+08:00

Church camp new song.

2011-11-28T19:08:00.001+08:00

Gonna go cycling soon! Tonight confirm play blackshot haha then tomorrow ball or swim :) There's been a lot of playing! Especially last night tsk tsk :)

I don't wanna see us unknowingly fall apart amidst the playing, because in the end I want us playing forever.

2011-10-25T23:08:00.003+08:00

I always hold on to this belief that a soulmate, with whom you don't simply create safety nets from disappointment all around and get used to it for the rest of your life, can be developed and not 'met'. By learning more about each other, accepting each other and stuff like that. What if, though, it was meant to be that way? Even actually marrying the girl of your dreams, would also mean a matter of time before passion dies away? What would be the point of everything then?

I used to be very sure of what I wanted. That attitude was a blissful ignorance, that cannot and should not return in the same form again.

2011-10-12T12:31:00.001+08:00

2011-09-26T21:59:00.001+08:00

2011-09-24T00:03:00.001+08:00

131 catz pictures I just have to use them!

It's been two days. I frequently get flashes of how our conversation might drop down another level again, and not-so-good feelings stirring until finally releasing in some small event which will turn big. But then it doesn't seem so depressing this time cause I know for one thing, we're going in a better direction - one that I've realised a few months ago it should have been - and that I'm not stuck confused wondering how to make that happen. That's two things LOL. So given that I'm keeping myself straight, those negative feelings seem to be less threatening. Like they stop tending to come and have lost the lengthening grip they usually have after they pass. This compared to in the past when it was mainly about preventing the negative feelings, which was tiring and a negative feeling in itself. That's good now, right? Keep it up!

The best, that should last throughout it all. :)

Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there? -then it’s love.

2011-09-21T21:54:00.001+08:00

March 24.
August 28.
December 25.
January 8.
April 17.
September 21.

Having more and more important dates, old already.

2011-09-21T19:42:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it's not I'm sensitive, or you're insensitive, but that you can't understand the feelings of the person who isn't sitting at the receiving end. I should give you more space..

2011-09-12T20:17:00.000+08:00

I'm thinking about walking in even steps with my primary school bestfriend supeng at the temporary hall, and singing in the loudest voices with ex-churchmate bestfriend jinyi at the mini chapel.

All grown up now

2011-09-06T22:53:00.000+08:00

I'm taking this from elizabeth's blog, I hope she doesn't mind and sorry just in case. I wish the best for her, too. And it's our job guys to go crazy with charles tomorrow haha.

------

What is love? Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing, and is your voice caught within your chest? -it isn’t love, it’s like.
You can’t keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right? -it isn’t love, its lust.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off? -it isn’t love, it’s pride.
Do you want them because you know they’re there? -it isn’t love, it’s loneliness.
Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand? -it isn’t love, it’s low confidence.
Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don’t want to hurt them? -it isn’t love, its pity.
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat? -it isn’t love, it’s infatuation.
Do you pardon their faults because you care about them? -it isn’t love, it’s friendship.
Do you tell them every day that they are the only one you think of? -it isn’t love, it’s a lie.
Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake? -it isn’t love, it’s charity.
Does your heart ache and break when they’re sad? -then it’s love.
Do you cry for their pain, even when they’re strong? -then it’s love.
Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts? -then it’s love.
Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there? -then it’s love.
Do you accept their faults because they’re a part of who they are? then it’s love.
Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret? -then its love. Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?

-
I am sure, it is love.
I am sure, I’m torn apart inside.

------

Sticky and bump. This post isn't one of those short, sensitive but common stuff I see around. It's a compilation of everything and it's thought-provoking.
It's worth remembering.

2011-09-06T17:34:00.000+08:00

I feel like doing it, but I shouldn't. There are many ways around this, and that way would be childish. But it's got me on a perpetual sian though. Sigh.

2011-09-01T23:48:00.001+08:00

Short blog before I sleep!
Today was super awesome but tiring also! Awesome cause got to meet all the old friends, catch up and laugh like I've never done for a long time. Tiring cause it's tiring to take in so much at once!
At first mainly was dunking basketball and then sitting in for choir with laura, nicole and.jingjie :) Meaningful! Went to simei to gather 6/2 then went airport eat aston! The steak zai haha. Them we spent about one half hours more during at the viewing gallery crapping!
Ok going sleep now :)

Sent from Samsung Mobile

2011-08-30T23:31:00.000+08:00

I've been dreaming a lot, too. Differently. Hmm. But they were all really nice and super complex. Like a whole alternate world haha. Funny how Shawn was just talking about parallel dimensions on sunday.

Anyway, I'd suddenly open my eyes in the morning and go, oh screw it. Another dream.

2011-08-27T00:30:00.001+08:00

Seems like from everything around me, God's calling back. Come back.

I tell Him, I don't wanna go back unaccompanied. Will You help?

2011-08-26T22:34:00.000+08:00

*chkchk bang bang bang*

Double science papers 1 over today! I guess they were quite worth as examinations as compared to the past few days :/ Really study mood killer with all the spamming of dead-minded papers like chinese and english language papers two! So glad they're over sigh I'm afraid the effect of mass prelims will dull all our urges to study for olevels. It already has to me :x

Therefore this long weekend imma play a lot! :) Ok actually not much cause still need to practise piano and prepare for wednesday's music paper but just whack! My favourite line hahaha.

Seriously spent the afternoon re-learning dota from an online guide as well as some blackshot (that's why the beginning hahaha) and then just now went to do some pull-ups with my older brother. And now i'm just slacking again. Oh well! Here's cheers to the long weekend presidential election :)

2011-08-22T19:46:00.000+08:00

Olevel music is set and ready to go haha. Finished the second last session of music composition today, kind of screwed it ): Sigh. Stayed back in school until 6pm dealing with registration paperwork! I'm so tired now!

2011-08-21T23:11:00.000+08:00

We both know we need a break. But I need it from the pain that's coming since you went back to your safe side again, picking what to accept from what I want to give. Did you know?

I'm outside your heart again. Who said I could go in anyway?

Why must it be in this direction? Pain.

2011-08-21T00:48:00.000+08:00

I find myself having to give them up again. While it will make me stronger, I pray that they'll be fulfilled at the very end.

Or it would selfishly be not worth it.

2011-08-20T22:08:00.003+08:00

2011-08-13T20:49:00.001+08:00

/hhearted thanks haha :)

2011-08-13T14:17:00.002+08:00

I hope I don't come across as avoiding when I appear happy and positive. Someone has to be and I shouldn't ask you to show something you're not feeling..

2011-08-13T10:19:00.002+08:00

How can prelims start in three days when I have so many things running through my mind?

2011-08-12T23:01:00.000+08:00

Suddenly feel so distant from you, we're on different frequencies once again. Rather than let the problem take root, let me convince you in time. And God, please, point the way.

2011-08-12T21:25:00.002+08:00

2011-08-01T20:12:00.002+08:00

The very thought of someone passing away is such a sad thing in itself. Don't people ever wonder they'd go after they move on? I know where I'm going. I believe in it. And I want everyone around me to be able to go to the same place as me after they die.. but it's so hard to preach. I think I'd feel anger first if people preached to me about some god who'd let someone simply go.

Preparing the extra oil.

2011-07-15T21:46:00.002+08:00

Watch as all meaning vanishes.

2011-07-15T21:20:00.003+08:00

Sometimes you'll just sit under the sunset, recalling. You remember the bonds you once shared with special random people, whether it was a bond you fought for or a bond that simply settled in your lap. Either way, they flew away in the end. And this all serves to tell you to treasure and embrace the one here, now, next to you, sharing your sunset.

2011-07-15T20:54:00.000+08:00

My number 1 priority was not to lead you on.
My number 2 was making sure I wouldn't contribute to any negative growth as you matured.

How successful. Only saw your blog today. But now I understand how others felt last time, this intensity of pain primarily of sadness and not anger or loss or what-ifs or i-screwed-its or i'm-empty. I hope you know that it sucks for me too, in this way. Never on the outside. But inside, yes. The simplest and correct way is to let it be. Because such stuff leave a deep cut of intense hurt in the hurt one, but fade when new things come, while on the inflictor it leaves a simple imprint of tolerable sadness, for a long long time.

Down, down. Five months over and out.

PARENT'S NIGHT.

2011-07-14T17:39:00.001+08:00

Let's sum it up in pictures! :)


Before! My brothers helping out with preparation!

Mass briefing.


Zaniel suits up!

Preparing to usher!

Ushering :)

Getting high saying 欢迎光临

Playing for worship :)


PA crew!

Gameshow!

Rushing make photos while gameshow's on!

分享 something nice about parents :x

Closing worship!

Photos!

Leftover binging >D

Parent's Night 2011.

Coming up next: Ladies' Night 2011.

Ladies' Night 2009 :)

2011-07-12T22:11:00.000+08:00

Let me tell when you're crying, and comfort you without failing

2011-07-08T21:40:00.001+08:00

Not bad voice haha. :) Ignore the product placement LOL. Too bad cause the girl's damn hot :x

2011-07-03T15:30:00.000+08:00

I watched you walk away
Hopeless, with nothing to say
I strain my eyes
Hoping to see you again

This is my curse (the longing)
This is my curse (time)
This is my curse (the yearning)
This is my curse

There is love burning to find you
Will you wait for me?
Will you be there?

Your silence haunts me
But I still hunger for you

This is my curse (the wanting)
This is my curse (time)
This is my curse (the needing)
This is my curse

There is love burning to find you
Will you wait for me?

And still I want
And still I ache
But still I wait
To see you again

Dying, inside, these walls [2x]

And I see your face in these tears
In these tears
And I see your face...

There is love [8x]

2011-06-30T21:23:00.002+08:00

Need to love your smile when you want to show it, and not feel empty when you don't.

Hoping that I won't end up not caring at all.

I really tried, but I'm expecting too much again. This ~ symbol really gives me the 'unconcerned' feeling. Outside my head, it's probably not. But oh well.

2011-06-26T17:24:00.001+08:00

Got a heated argument with my older brother last night and I got very worked up. It's really my fault, I find myself unable to stop myself interrupting him whenever he launches into his hard, logic-filled side of the argument. And it's always the same thing: he wants things to be clear and simple as that. And I'd find myself cutting in crapping about some stuff like how it's narrow-minded thinking and things can't be clear in both person's perspectives at the same time.. And then somehow there was this torrent of emotion unleashed inside me. I apologised but I couldn't stop crying. Normally it's those well up kind right then you can tank the urge to cry but this one is just I lost control and became very unstable. Wasn't shouting or anything he understood and I think I was telling him about how if he keep thinking this way then he'd get hurt in the future. And afterwards, when I lay down in bed at about 1am just continuing to let out this unreasonable crying, I slowly came to a conclusion that I'm too much like him. It's just that I always told myself to alter my perspectives when I couldn't see things clearly, and it hurt. And yes when I altered it I could accept whatever the problem was, whether it's things not going my way, or some kind of unexpected disappointed etc. Somehow, though, whenever he threw out that undebatable logic in that simply seeing things clearly is a right, that in my nature I resist with all my might. Because I'm just like him, but forever and ever resisting, and that's why all those emotions suddenly unleashed.

And today morning, I woke up and I didn't feel anything from last night. They vanished back into the depths of my heart and I've no idea when they'll be back. Now, I'm back to normal.

2011-06-23T22:56:00.000+08:00

Haven't touched ss but finished integration which is good! The essays are a waste of time :/ But want to write it well so can't help it!

Another day at k's house studying chem this time, and eating awesome fried rice :) Quite productive I guess! Probably can start work on chemistry soon. -updating schedule- Shall do ss today and tomorrow along with more chem haha. Emath slot in whenever I have the time!

Can't get you out of the sunshine, can't get you out of the rain.

2011-06-21T16:42:00.001+08:00

I suddenly asked myself how in the world I enjoy listening to classical music, without lyrics.

Let listener = male, musician = female (too much amath),

The score is a score, and the composition is a composition, but the musician's role is in passing every detail through her own interpretations, and then displaying a recreation of the piece. People frequently say that the piece is played heavily, or tenderly, or bitterly, or joyfully and more more. What the listener is hearing when he feels the emotion and touch of her playing, is actually the complicated mix of the player's truckload of split decisions on the manner of which to play before every note and every fill. And the listener appreciates the creativity in that just as a reader appreciates the creativity of well phrased sentences in a given text. The musician feels it ten times more than the listener, because those decisions are too complex to be filtered individually, but through effort and practice she transfers her wholesomely developed interpretation of the piece, as emotions into the dexterous motions of her playing. Maybe that's why so many good musicians have jizz faces hahaha.

-sudden inspiration on what I've really learnt throught 3/2 years of music studies-

2011-06-21T13:23:00.001+08:00

Simple. Beautiful haha.

Tired wired.

2011-06-20T19:51:00.000+08:00

Just back from a blur day at kimberly's house studying physics! Productive last two hours haha. Before that still forgot to bring money, and bought oreo crush with pearls :x Hope you enjoyed your bubbletea double treat! :) Tomorrow's quite a long day, gonna swim in the morning then study amath and chemistry. After that got choir concert! Hope it's nice haha. Shack max plus wednesday studying with yiliang and xuanqi. Good luck to my schedule!

2011-06-17T00:06:00.000+08:00

Rock never dies, maintain perfect (y).

2011-06-14T18:11:00.006+08:00

I don't wanna say another empty prayer.

Handling the hard facts.

2011-06-14T15:27:00.001+08:00

Back from student camp and spamming protein now! Like really two eggs and lots of beans for lunch o.o And with the remaining weeks of the holidays, it's time to get my life back under control and tone up.

Shall not focus on the events but on my feelings. Student camp, as I saw it coming, was pretty much like every other year. Started a little boring, ended with a bang, and lots of stuff in between. Weikai 哥 aka weige (viagra) was probably the best leader I've had out of the four years, probably as our age gaps get closer and closer. He's really an awesome guy and lepak boss. All in all, by the end of the camp I kind of renewed my faith and relationship with God. But this year, less in faith but more of in maturity.

First few days was pretty low key, I tried not to study the people around me and focus. Well cause every camp since sec 2 I keep getting distracted :x As it is, my sec1 camp holds the best memories to this day. Nothing beats an all guy softball group full of experienced seniors hahaha. This year's camp with classmates was a different experience, it's more like everyone's the same maturity level, almost all kind of had their good times in student camp before, and we were all just looking forward to spending the camp as a class. I rejected doing music for talent night cause it was like using an unfair advantage over others. Thank God my group leaders weren't the kind that keep pushing us to win and stuff haha. PK nice :)

I'll probably forget my group's name by this time next year :x But i'll always remember it as the break hand break leg group! There's my long term injuries, chearmin's just-before-camp ankle sprain, meris' amazing race ankle sprain, hongjie's bbq night wrist sprain, junzhong's sore (LOL), pohyi's not feeling well! My group's special in that most awesome way hahaha. :) We didn't bond much actually, according to meiting, but I think it's enough for me. There was hongjie there to chat with, bringing up all the old jokes from the last three years and talking about stuff on my mind that someone quiet like him is the best to share with. Really glad that he was there haha. He better take care of his wrist! Then there's the girls, like meris and pohyi and meiting who i talked to often apparently, fun :) Companied meris during mass dance to cheer her up! Then of course the rest of the group being kind of weird and fun at the same time hahaha.

The camp's last night ended with me in very very screwed up condition but resolving it. You could say that I was forced to learn how to cap my thoughts and emotions and let them erode away knowing that they were never justified, and not thinking they were never justified too. It's not exactly humbling, but that night sitting in the darkness was spent facing a few hard truths that I've always known. I had to teach myself how to pray about my situation again. Because in the process of always hardening my heart against hurt, I didn't know how to ask God about things anymore. I don't even talk about God in my blog anymore haha. And that morning when I woke up I just knew that only God could do something about that knot in my chest. Sigh.

Alright getting 罗嗦 already! Haha must be happy :) Camp's over and after physio and church camp it's mug time! May Rarity ^tm and the huge mug watch over me hahaha. End with a bang and a smile :)

2011-06-05T18:49:00.001+08:00

Shopping with friends for the first time in my life o.o Big thanks to poh yi and clarice! Walked and talked until backache, sat and ate pasta, then lepak and talk, and continue walking everywhere until night. To round it off got 1 jeans, 2 pants, 1 white vneck, 1 black tshirt, 2 ragland tees, 1 green hoodie, 1 collared long sleeve tee, 1 pair of sneakers! Changed the sneakers to another pair cause don't have my size haha. The shop owner's nice :) Thanks clarice for accompanying!

Church today with painful toes :x Anyway surprised to really get present from jieqi! Haha we talked awhile only apparently everything's in the note. The present is like a score of a piece with the name 27 May, damn straight! Must practise it before camp starts :) Looks like I have to help out at children's choir till september then! Since that time shimin also helped me when I just started out as pianist I better help jieqi too :o Thanks!

My time will come.

Culmination, to this

2011-05-31T18:04:00.007+08:00

BOSS

THANK YOU ALL:

Jermaine, for the drumsticks (owned in sunday's one youth band!) and drama card (appreciated)

Chun Zing, for the movie together and the zinc wallet!

Xuanqi, aka bulldog, for the sand and letter in bottle! Sincere much!

Junzhong & Janice, for the wallet shop wallet!

Cherie, Valerie, Yeekay, Xuanqi, Yiliang, Yonghui, Joven, Andrew for the sakae sushi buffet together and the cake! :)

Meiting, Chearmin, Poh Yi, Clarice, Chawit for the epic birthday surprise and all of you plus Dwayne, the blue beanie! :)

Valerie, for the belated red-and-black handgrip and card!

Kimberly, for the huge cup, the cards, and the BOSS. And for everything else can't say here lah hor :)
Thanks everyone for making my birthday memorable! (Y)

Birthday Surprise :)

2011-05-29T23:24:00.001+08:00

2011-05-29T20:03:00.000+08:00

I only want to say: Don't try too hard.

Honestly, I also find it very difficult to withdraw from last week's level of joy. It's simply joy, laughter is an understatement. And true, noone would believe that such a level can be sustained for longer periods, and not get disappointed. But who says that it won't come again?

Jermaine asked on thursday, what was happiness to me? Janice asked me quite long ago what peace meant for me? For both, I said that it is this knowledge of something constant in the background, something not high level, not outwardly impressive, but that you know you can be assured of it's presence. For adults, it's knowing that they have a family to go home to after work. For christians, it's knowing that God is always there. Those christians with really good faith display that often-preached peace from knowing that. And looking at the people who seem so depressed and discouraged with life, the actual simplicity of it all is the amazing thing.

Things may change in the future, but let's not think about that. Let's never think about it. You feel you don't deserve of what was given to you this week.. neither do I. Both of us are always at fault, be it which side seems to be the cause of whatever quarrel or problem we've had. Maybe you can't see how much I've learnt over one year about myself, just as much as you have about yourself. And I don't want you, in the process of trying to make up for your mistakes, to become like me, becoming so sensitive of my own and other's mistakes. Becoming so calculating and planning of the future and of the past. There's a saying that people dream to change when they fail their first dreams, but forget to figure out what went wrong. But for me, even when I tried to do that, it's been a hard road that's not ended yet.

What happened to us, for me, was - while you slowly learnt about your problems, I struggled with my judgements of the whole affair. I felt slapped the first time I realized my perspective and concepts could be so way off. And while you did your own, I slowly learnt and tried to change and figure out what was wrong with me. It's so much so that perhaps some of the things you felt you did to hurt me, was largely really myself hurting me. And gosh, does it hurt when I think that you feel terrible about yourself for that.

I'm so way off from perfect, we're both so way off. Just as you said, we're meant to play a part in each other's lives. Don't try too hard to make up for anything; look back cause all the dots joined. Your mistakes nudged me, and necessarily shove me, in the right direction. My mistakes probably made you more aware of everything. And as we continue finding the ultimately correct path for us to take, together or individually, don't try too hard. Let's make it worth the pain, let's hold on to the peace while we can.

And for the rest of the YEAR, keep smiling. :)

2011-05-27T22:31:00.000+08:00

And your card ! No pictures of course but it was really meaningful :)

my little pony :@

2011-05-27T22:22:00.003+08:00

Yes TOTALLY AWESOME HAHA. Guess we both had the best birthday out of the four years! :)

Woke up to a somewhat multitude of still incoming smses, all unknown numbers because I just changed phone haha. Kept having to ask around for those numbers! After that replied and thanked them all at one go haha :) School was brief, in memory, and didn't receive much presents but i'm a guy it doesn't really matter! JZ was damn annoyed at why so many people stopped by and said happy birthday LOL. Physics was kind of amusing with random conversations with ryan and messaging :) Finally finished then went to sakae with xuanqi, cherie, ek, valerie, yiliang, yonghui, joven and andrew!

Yiliang promises a crazy time haha. At the high point he randomly said "Let's sing happy birthday song - HAPPY BIRTH.." In like some kind of drunken stupor made all the guys laugh until yonghui literally threw up. And on yiliang HAHA. They secretly bought a cake afterwards haha touched :) Took a few (rare) crazy pictures then went home!

I really couldn't ask for more haha. Even if today was some screwed up day, the week leading up to it since day has been really good. Credit to you :) It was all really enough for my birthday. I'd never imagine I could make you feel like that, or that we could take that night walk again, or even somehow end up watching a movie. :) But oh no you still had to give me more didn't you !!!!

HERE WE GO.

Your present nicely wrapped!

Opened as nicely as possible :)

HUGE mug!

MY LITTLE PONY?!

All unwrapped and dressed up LOL. :)

And thanks to yuanteng too didn't forget! You two owned me with this present k! I'll post the other presents together when I get valerie's and chearmin's i think :)

Oh man man man. For heaven's sake?! Thanks so much.^^

2011-05-26T21:42:00.000+08:00

ZINC, from zing :D

2011-05-23T22:46:00.002+08:00

Thanks :)

2011-05-23T22:08:00.002+08:00

Genuinely happy for you being happy though haha :)

It's gonna be a long long night.

2011-05-23T21:57:00.002+08:00

I don't know. It's just that empty feeling.
After getting affected by your sian-ness, and then watching other stuff make you so happy while i slowly work on that dumb bhb card i'm making. I suddenly can't grasp hold of any meaning of my existence. To you. It's not even a thought. It's just that empty feeling.
Shit.

2011-05-23T21:39:00.002+08:00

It's rather cold tonight.

2011-05-23T18:15:00.001+08:00

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;A&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

Awesome haha. Though I'd get bored watching after a while..
Happy birthday :)

2011-05-21T19:07:00.002+08:00

Lost phone.

If only my parents could be more understanding. Especially my dad, who only bothers sighing really loudly with sarcasm to show that he's been 'very patient', and saying stuff like 这样 lor. 还换什么.Like he suffered a lot. Now he's walking around the house banging things here and there loudly. Sitting at the dining table glaring into space. Why can't he choose not to be angry?

Screwed up.

2011-05-18T17:14:00.000+08:00

Winds, of change

2011-05-16T19:45:00.002+08:00

I was quite an observant little child last time haha. I remember promising to myself that I'd never neglect my girl. I promised that I'd not be fat when I grow old because I would always enjoy exercising and sports. I remember thinking that I should never be kind of 霸道 like my dad. Look what all that is becoming haha. I guess I can only control the last point; it's funny how you realize you're reacting like your parents because that's the main influence you derive your reaction from :/ Not good not good.

It is never a one go process. Sure, the drama stands at the decision, but the entire happening, provided it's allowed to continue, is really pretty slow. Agonizingly slow, full of room for the wrong conclusions. Just sit back, though, and observe the threads slowly detach themselves.

If two people share a memory and one forgets, then it might have never happened at all.

Yixuan don't get attached any longer. Move on.

2011-05-15T14:39:00.000+08:00

This is how it works

Every, single year.

Just enjoy it yeah.

2011-05-14T11:59:00.000+08:00

Going to go out soon to study with joel haha. The rain's depressing but it's also like a constant that comforts me. As usual. I would like to sit and stare out the window, watching the sky relieve it's torment onto the plants. But I need to go practise piano.

And I don't know why;

2011-05-10T18:20:00.000+08:00

LOL. Thanks dad!

2011-05-09T13:11:00.000+08:00

Been studying like mad this whole weekend! I swear I've never been this hardworking hahaha. Must be some external influence cough. Just finally completed making chemistry notes with the exception of the periodic table chapter, which i accidentally skipped but don't care haha. I have another two thirds of the day ahead of me, which I'm gonna divide into english summary and emath. And then tomorrow i'll spam emath and so on. Amath so screwed :/

穿越过风沙划破了手掌
坚定着希望去闯
I have good old chinese songs (not purely chinese pop bleh) in my laptop.

2011-05-06T21:54:00.001+08:00

It's really heartwarming to know that you're nice to me and i'm sorry that i'm not sure i can accept your family relationship request on facebook. I don't really want to list another girl as my sister anymore, because there's really already someone who's taken it. Yes I see you have a whole bunch of facebook family members and this is probably just for fun but i guess i would rather not haha. This might end up as a lousy connection in the end. It's be nice to treasure those who's already there so don't go saying you're hurt!

Haha on this blog, i'm talking to myself. I wonder if i should just ignore or reject the request sigh.

I'll never get over you, never over you
'Cause you are so beautiful
You are so beautiful, yeah.

Perplexity

2011-05-02T22:22:00.000+08:00

In response to your (yes you) mess!

Mayday

2011-05-01T22:58:00.002+08:00

Hello, May.

This month will bring lots of mugging and exams, as well as my birthday. Strangely enough I feel this month will remain in between neutral and special, just in between. The second half of April just seems like a prelude to that. How far can this get? Haha.

Goodbye April, with your memories and changes brought to my life.

2011-04-30T22:10:00.002+08:00

2011-04-30T19:23:00.002+08:00

When I see, that's when I go all quiet.

2011-04-24T22:57:00.000+08:00

There are no words
To paint a picture of you, girl
Your eyes, those curves
It's like you're from some other world
You walk my way

Oh God, it's so frustrating so while I disappear
When you come near, it makes me feel so small
If I could reach your mind
Girl, would I find any trace of me at all

But I can only write this song
And tell you that I'm not that strong
'Cause I'm no superman
I hope you like me as I am

2011-04-23T20:08:00.002+08:00

I'll leave this sad part of me

Until next time.

2011-04-17T21:49:00.001+08:00

Was talking to my older brother about stuff because he got pissed while we were playing computer game. Won't go into specifics cause I respect him; but it's about stuff like he couldn't put things down and didn't see the sense in letting go of things. As in he thought that it was illogical to stop thinking about something that should be solved. It sounds good here, but in the context of a relationship, it's almost suicidal. I've been like that before, still learning how to get better, and I wanted him to understand that there're always things that you're not comfortable with but you have to surpress it in order not to make others worse.

There's always this element of unknown when you're with other people, because everyone sees things differently. Everyone's focus is different. So while you strongly feel that you should clear this up with someone, that someone might not even have realized that it was a problem. Pursue that problem, or simply showing that you're affected, may make them wonder why you have to be that way and feel terrible themselves.

And in the end, everyone feels bad.

It's simple to see the importance in making things clear. Sometimes, I feel like a lot of pain can be avoided if things were just clearer. But look at us, we have years ahead. We're idiots now, still in our teens. Our concepts of life's biggest things are all screwed up and our body releases chemicals that lead us into certain feelings. And then we make decisions.

Which is why at times I look at the most childish people and wonder if they're really the most understanding inside. They only recognize the pain that they must handle if they're understanding, until they have the opportunity to learn. So they choose otherwise.

2011-04-12T23:12:00.004+08:00

All this while I've been finding someone to be there for.

In a way, it filled up this emptiness inside me. And for years I've been building the walls around each minute rejection, disappointment until recently, when I started to question what I was worth for. I had two that I cared. Then one just went like that. And suddenly I just dropped the wants and the needs and stopped caring.

When it came full circle, I suddenly feel stripped bare. Tired of making walls. But why should I stop? It's asking for pain.

But it doesn't matter whether this emotion lasts only 12 minutes. Or whether this post makes any sense at all, once I'm over this.

I just feel like crying. Stripped raw.

2011-04-11T18:24:00.002+08:00

For the sake of any misunderstandings, none of my below posts got to do with anybody. If it did, it's over.

2011-04-10T20:26:00.001+08:00

In a few years
Will I be ready?

2011-04-05T20:15:00.000+08:00

Really? So this is what you are?

I was wrong to do anything then.

2011-04-01T23:40:00.002+08:00

I don't really think anything's changed.

Gosh, my mum's coming on with her pms again.

Looks like one thing's going down. And I want to just sit back and no longer care if anything comes up again.

2011-03-23T22:23:00.003+08:00

I'm still trying, still trying. To fix myself up and get rid of infatuation. So that I can keep my promises without any stupid immature feelings getting in the way first. There'll be more but I want to fix these first. Sometimes, I don't even know what they are. But sometimes I know, the times when I find myself squeezing anything I'm holding because feeling overtakes thought. Overwhelms. Maybe I should start expanding my vocabulary, screwed my 'paradox' meaning today morning and got owned by mrs g right away.

It's like one big circle. I'm finally talking about this because I don't want to affect another, but that one's suddenly fading away. What did I do this time? What did I say? :/

Yeah, my happy days are over again. They'll come back soon. I'm glad I treasured them while they were here.

2011-03-17T15:32:00.005+08:00

Here's the school essay on Marriage I did quite some time ago. Inspiration from one small paragraph out of the trilogy Age of the Five. It's pretty boring but more focused on expression and development of the characters. Nothing to post so, enjoy :)

Marriage

It was late afternoon. The house was humid, but clean, and the air smelled of frying meat. She brushed down her apron, absently piling metal and grease into the basin. 6 o’clock, time for a break. Folding herself into an armchair, she caught herself pulling out her phone for an automatic glance. She smiled wryly. Old habits were hard to break… old. Her thoughts shifted to the loss of her figure. It was a trained tendency for her to ignore the unmistakable creak, now, of the armchair she only newly bought; with a surge of indignation, she sank herself further in and settled for the remote controller. Ironic how she used to loathe the dramas forever on broadcast, as she now had them as the only reliable source of entertainment in the house. In fact, it was becoming difficult not to find them interesting with the surrounding monotone that threatened to drive her insane. Yes, time for some drama, her right brain hooted. Not too good being a coach potato either, her conscience warned, and she guiltily replaced the remote controller into its original, perfectly neat position. It was too bad her obsessive compulsive disorder could not extend to the humidity of the afternoon, though she would vacuum the air if she could. Propping herself up, she reached for the photograph album and flipped through the worn plastic pages. They outlined her dwindling social circle, depicting the pressures of family life and most of all, her growing wrinkles. Peering closely at a recent photograph, she observed her laugh lines that represented the joy within her forty years, and also the less prominent, but unmistakable frown lines that showed of the bad times. She sighed. The bad times when she was insecure, and immature. The old times. She was past that phase already, having grown as a wife and as a mother; of course a little less patient, but definitely more understanding and hopefully magnanimous. She checked the clock – 7 o’clock. Her husband should be home by now…

The jam finally cleared. He blandly adjusted his rearview mirror and yanked the car into gear. A BMW glided powerfully by. His own pathetic chugging that followed added to his distaste and he mumbled a curse at the thought of the new bills that had arrived, thrown into his briefcase before he left for work that morning. Ah, work. Today’s work had not been productive – patients had returned complaining of their usual backaches. He ought to do more research on their conditions when he reached home, but that depended for tonight. Tonight was special. He slowed at a junction, preparing to turn when another vehicle cut into his lane and blocked his exit. Only through experience did he catch himself before he started to attack his horn, and he chuckled at his tendency to think he was the best driver on the road. He had used to tease his father on this. That had been so long ago; memories flashed by as he reminisced at his first interview, first rejection, first job, first date. His eyes lit up in amusement as he thought about their progress from dating, courtship to wedding and a wonderful honeymoon. Then to quarrels and betrayal. His expression darkened. Through painful times, he had learnt that both sides made mistakes, and that bare honesty was the only way to a slow and arduous path to forgiveness. Through lost passion they had become best friends over time, and now he saw his wife’s daily effort in her services to him over her failing vigour and radiance. He saw the simple beauty in giving and receiving one another in a marriage; providing to her needs while she provided to his. And right now, he was hungry. Fortunately, the neighbourhood came into view and he swiftly, or as swiftly as he could in his circumstances, entered the car park and reversed into an annoyingly narrow lot. Neatly done, though. He grinned at the thought of his wife’s delight at this achievement. Glancing at his watch, he made his way up to the apartment. It was 7 o’clock.

“Honey, I’m home.” “Good to hear, though it would be strange if you said anything less obvious. Here now, I prepared the dinner,” she smiled, showing that she was teasing. He returned the exchange with an affectionate peck on her forehead, drawing her into a familiar embrace. She grinned, a grin of their younger days, and pushed against his chest.

“I’m dirty from the cooking,” she complained. “Tired from the effort too. The effort,” she emphasized. He drew his shoulders back and let out a hearty laugh. “I guess we’d better get started then.” He took her hand, a simple gesture that held a decade and a half of meaning.

“Happy wedding anniversary.”

Did an argumentative on Dreams this wednesday too. Maybe I'll post it sometime when I get it back. Cheers :)

2011-03-12T12:18:00.001+08:00

2011-03-12T12:15:00.003+08:00

Don't know if i should let myself feel pathetic and upset or try to lift myself up to continue with the holidays. I don't understand why that even now, I have to get injured and miss the last important match of my secondary softball life. And it's not about me. I'm not an important player. I can't be one when I keep letting everyone down.

Pray for Japan.

2011-03-10T19:57:00.004+08:00

I've been feeling pretty normal but I suddenly feel my spirits drop haha.

My mind hasn't been in a dilemma for days now and that feels great. Ran last night and my timing improved again but that's probably cause I was quite on good form yesterday haha. Oh well won't be running till at least sunday I guess. Saturday have SRC and we're playing against monfort once more. Don't really have motivation to play but shall try my best! :)

Been trying to save up for this month so far, even bought a small book to record my daily expenses LOL. There are days when I use up to $6 on food and some days when I can just use $1. Skip recess doing overdue homework and eat the big packet of 6 red bean buns for lunch. Quite filling eh! Hahaha.

Phone got confiscated on tuesday ): Speaking of which monday started talking to the sec2 clarice, by some kind of mistake hahaha. She was like calling my brother's phone but it was not working as usual, and she called ryota to get to him. Then ryota thought she wanted to speak to me and put me on the line. Somehow we didn't realise that she didn't actually want to talk to me and she was like going on about why my phone not working and never mind 不方便 say anything now :o So i went okay and afterwards got her number from ryota and messaged her what's up. Then she said oh hi how you get my number? I replied, from ryota you called through him? Then she went yeah but i calling yiqian LOL anyway why you want my number? That's when I realised hahaha. Quite funny :) Then we chatted about softball and stuff until the next day when my phone gone sigh. Talked to hc the night before that too :) We always end up talking overtime one tsk tsk. And talk about awkward stuff too hahaha.

End of the term and I know it's about time to throw away anymore plans of entertainment and focus on studying. But I'll be kinda juggling exercise, teaching/learning piano and mugging so hope I can make it! Today after school went to charles house play bball in the rain and we taught ourselves the basketballers' warm up LOL. Shall do it next PE haha :) Time to do up the overdue english essay boo.

2011-03-05T13:50:00.003+08:00

We're all important to certain people, and we want to be important to certain people, but very few are we the right kind of important to the people we want to be important to. And to the people who want to be the right kind of important to us, too.

How confusing and unchangeable can that get?

2011-03-04T23:42:00.002+08:00

2011-03-04T22:55:00.001+08:00

2011-03-04T22:20:00.008+08:00

The week's over!

Went to see physiotherapist today, moved up the timing cause 15th March have some piano masterclass for music students haha. Sound so chim but i bet it's quite useless :/ Anyway the therapist was quite nice and like those blur blur face kind haha! She asked me a lot of questions and then helped massage a bit, super shiok ^^ Then she taught me an exercise to do everyday, slouch + head up then straighten + head down x20 everyday. Hurts but it's supposed to smoothen out the nerves haha. They're like trapped and squashed at this area that's why it hurts so bad.

Red bean bread x6 for $1 thanks to chearmin! Random haha :)

So I'll be going physio on march hols friday morning, hopefully nothing else crops up. Or the next available slot is like at the end of march sigh! She also said to cut down my mileage to about 2km if I'm gonna continue jogging alternate days, or else i can keep to 4km if it's every two days and see how it feels. I think I'm gonna just do 2.4km alternate day for now until NAPFA's over (the stations part is SO SCREWED it hurts to sit up or touch my toes). Still steadily improving, yesterday even hit 25.40 for 4.8km haha. :) But still slowed down a lot and very hiong sprinted at the last 200m. But who's to ask for more haha I feel very humbled about my running already. Anyway should be running on Sunday instead of tomorrow cause today was really very tiring and painful! I won't play so much basketball again, considering that I'm already only allowed 2km every 2 days sigh. Rest tomorrow :)

Playing in the dark.

2011-03-04T22:15:00.000+08:00

2011-03-01T21:47:00.004+08:00

Don't feel like blogging recently haha. Hmm there's no time to write much because I need to study music and turn in early too.

Nationals are over, and we failed to reach top 4 sigh. It's depressing to think of it in the context of an achievement, in comparison to other sports, and as a success to boast of. But I guess what really matters is the process, the matches we played together, the bonding haha, and the experience and mental maturity gained. There's still one more tournament coming up for four to five days during march holidays, and we'll be facing all the top schools once again. Then here we go.

Life's gone back to normal, though sometimes it's hard to accept that it's kind of boring and void. Laughing with charles and gang is really short-lived, although quite spam hahaha. Maybe it's just me, I don't allow the happiness to continue to cling onto me after the moment has passed. Oh well. Sometimes I try and sometimes it works :) But i'll just take things as they come. Things will change for the better, and I hope anyone out there who will or is experiencing similar dissatisfaction won't feel so frustrated. If you think about it, not really worth it huh. :) I know my time for being almost happy everyday will come again, go again, come again. Life haha.

So strange whenever I come to such conclusions I spoil my feeling of peace by worrying. Worrying about loved ones experiencing the same thing next time and wishing I could help them although it's a bit irrelevant and probably useless worrying such stuff. That's why sometimes I wonder how it's like to live a day without love. Will I be very carefree? Haha. Guess not.. Oh man I wrote too long!!!! Bye bye. :)

2011-02-22T22:21:00.002+08:00

Maybe its just me but what's it like to hope without making yourself crush it because of experience? What's it like having a carefree day without loving someone? What's it like, now, pushing your body with mental strength without having only to be stopped because of pain. And what's it like to not wonder, day in and day out, if any positive or negative feeling that rises is only because of a wrong concept? To be at the top and it's like I'm in the basement.

Melodrama.

Tomorrow is the day. Facing it straight on: I fear hopelessness.

2011-02-20T21:00:00.003+08:00

Muscles aren't recovering too well :/ I guess yesterday was really only numbness and not improvement. One more night for getting better though! And it's catholic high tomorrow with that legendary fast pitcher. Must hit haha.

Done with the books. Probably done with immersing in all the fantasy, hiding from the real world too.

2011-02-16T22:07:00.002+08:00

Unexpected tiring day from coaching all the sec1s that first came in today. They have potential, if only they'd stay focused and open to their mistakes. Haha look forward to seeing them develop but right now next weeks matches are more important! Damai, peicai and catholic high win 2 and that's it. Lose two and that's it too. How exciting hahaha. My back, just whack next week lah :/

People around seem to be upset too. Cheer up! Life will get better so hang in there haha :)

2011-02-15T18:07:00.002+08:00

K I'm alright I'm alright. Stress really has it's effects on the mood sigh. Last night the combination of stress and worry and tiredness made the night suddenly depressing. But I must really finish my compo today and stop dragging things on it'll just get worse. What's wrong with me nowadays :/

Must buck up now! Even though now more and more problems that I can't do anything about seem to keep on coming, I should do my best in those I can change and stop getting chocked up about those I can't. For all I know my back is absolutely ok. Haha. It's normal? Shall stop self deceiving right. Though sometimes, in a way, being abnormal just makes one feel so much more normal. The unspecial sort.

Check it.

2011-02-14T22:35:00.003+08:00

At the end of the day, nothing works and nothing changes, noone moves and this day is no more special than the rest. Just like me, no more special than another, unable to fathom this nothing inside me. Like a black hole. Dark and collapsing on itself.

I'm just pissed over the work :/ Frel so tired of nothing.

2011-02-12T14:10:00.003+08:00

Got past this week.

Preliminary rounds are over and we're into the top 8, where it's gonna get tough. It's the furthest we've gone and also the furthest our 6 batches so far have ever gone. I remember screwing it up last year. In sec2 it was an achievement and we got swensens for that :) But now it's like a 理所当然 kind of thing. Our aim is to top 4 so that we'll give softball a place in AHS after we've gone. I really do hope that we will.

But my back. Oh screw my back. My life has changed that little bit after leaving the hospital yesterday morning. Diagnosed with some mild scoliosis which puts pressure on my left lower limb and hip. Does this mean I'll never fully heal? I really want to continue sports and exercising, army, without having some stupid condition that makes my muscles more injured than normal after intensive exercise. I can't see the full effects yet and I hope physiotherapy will work. But it's in one month's time. Sigh.

I can't imagine a life without the freedom to work out when I want to. So many problems :/

2011-02-12T14:03:00.001+08:00

2011-02-09T19:46:00.000+08:00

Screw all the injuries. Screw the tests.

2011-02-08T18:28:00.003+08:00

Didn't go to school today! Heard that got lots of blackouts haha. Got an mc from the polyclinic as well as reference to changi hospital. No, nothing that serious, I just requested for it haha. :) So ponning school again this friday to be at some sports medicine department at 9am. But I'll be back for competition in the afternoon!

Yesterday's match was quite interesting, in a different way. It's supposed to be an easy match but it turned out the difficulty was in overcoming ourselves. More like myself. Somehow I felt so weak that my hand was trembling just holding the water bottle and stuff. So we let them take the lead with all my lousy pitching till the end of second inning. We caught up with them 5-5 then haha. Gosh so shocking we were all like couldn't believe we would lose this match out of all the matches. But I think my body started feeding off fats or something cause 3rd inning onwards I forced all the way and the strikes kept coming. They never scored again LOL. Everyone's batting was pretty good, my 3rd base hit, no homeruns from anyone though. And the fifth inning, last one, when weihong took over pitching the team just let loose and spammed all the trick plays hahaha! Noisy GM coach sigh. End score 13-5 or something :)

Of course I collapsed after reaching home :/ Ouch.

Tomorrow RI!